i think i am hitting a quarter life crisis. or i have spring fever. or both. i cannot concentrate in a really awesome and very not cool way. 

i am slightly overwhelmed. and i am realizing that i always am and that is just this feeling that we have that may pass for a day but not a lifetime.

i have entered some dark period where i have realized that i will never have it figured out. that i have no obsolete. there is some moral code that i am standing on but it is inside me and becomes clouded. often. my parents weren't right all the time. still aren't. we all carry too much.

i think going home to kansas screwed with my brain.

 i think i have woken up from hibernation but now i just feel restless.

too much time in front of this square today.

over and out.

no children

dear john m. goat,

i am sorry i did not sing every word, or any word, along with the crowd during no children tonight. i know them. all of them. i sang in my head, moving my tongue a bit, articulating all the words to myself and nobody else. i am not good at showing enthusiasm in large groups. lame, i know.

i was glad i got to see you. there were a lot of people. you have gotten famous. i am happy for you for sure, but it is odd to realize that everyone ELSE connects to you and your songs. sometimes i think you wrote them just for me. i would talk about the smaller, more intimate shows i have seen you play in the past but then i would annoy myself, like that girl in the bathroom line annoyed me. she was there to see the opening man, not you. telling us that gave her scene points of some sort. clearly if she is just there for the OPENER then she knows something. i wanted to tell her that i had closed my heart off to all men with acoustic guitars. that i had enough between sir john, damien j not r and the rocky v. that i will listen to new men on the pandora but cannot let my heart or my itunes out any further. 

anyways, you seem happier. i think you eat now and no, i am not calling you fat. i think i am happier now too and i am eating more as well. The first time i saw you we both seemed distraught. i got drunk and angry and slept in my car. the story is more interesting than that but i will save that for later.

nobody writes poems anymore.

my portland boyfriend was a poet.

which is probably why we dated and also probably why we did not work out.

i have one grand story about him that i will not share just on some off chance that he would find this blog and hate me for telling the interweb world. 

we have a speckled past, we don't keep in contact. i am not sure we like eachother in the least. i am pretty sure we both blame the other one for ruining some part of our early twenties.

two summers back he was passing through chicago from mexico and onto portland. we sat on some kid's front porch on california avenue drinking jarritos soda.

he told me he was still writing. just not love poems.

i told him that was probably for the best.

i got a tattoo when i was nineteen. Actually, i got several but only one was incredibly specific to me being nineteen. it says truth. i wanted to remember what that word meant to me when i was nineteen and why it was important. there is not a definition. more of a feeling. and i can only grasp it if i concentrate and kinda hold my breath...
if i do anything, become anything, make any art worth watching ever in my possibly long, maybe short life, it will be a tribute to that tattoo.

i am spending evenings in a room full of eighteen yearolds. it is pretty amazing. it makes me feel old. or just different. it makes me remember why i was different eight years ago, it makes the last eight years seem so long yet so short at the same time.

i made them make me mix cds about love. they are pretty awesome. i have to make one too....

i just listened to this song three times in a row....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQi8wEHMm5Y

it is very dark in my office. usually it does not matter because one entire wall is basically a window but it is cloudy, like i can see foggy cloudness wisp by me. I got a lamp but it doesn't really give off much light. barely any, actually.
I am eating pot roast stew. almost done. a few minutes ago i started thinking about how i really wished i had a cookie for after my stew. i thought about it and then realized i DID. i took a napkin last night and wrapped up one chocolate chip cookie and one chocolate cupcake (no icing) because i still had desert on my plate when the play was bout to start.
YUM.
is that ghetto? i don't even care. suck it!

i turn twenty six very very soon. five days. i am odd about birthdays. i love them. i love all holidays. and cupcakes. and presents. and drinks and laughter and ridiculousness. but this birthday is odd for some reason. i feel old i think and i have never really felt that. memories are beginning to fog over and i find that terrifying. i was only twenty-one when i was in portland. it seems so recent but so distant at the same time. portland changed my life. it is as straight and narrow as that. but it is odd to be so past those life changing moments yet. still. sorta. there. i was just thinking that it would be so nice to have a person to tell those stories to that nobody actually cares about but you. those memories that are so precious but nobody will ever get it in the same way as you. i guess that is kinda what blogging is for. oh jeez....blogging makes me emo as all hell....

remember...

the mint green house with the purple shutters....

the box car in the backyard....

the boy who talked about the castle in prague....

the vegan scones from pearl bakery....

the delivery boy from pearl bakery....

the blackberries....

stumptown lattes with hearts and a side of limonata....

slabtown....

hip hop the bunny....

the roller skating rink with the organ...

the simplest things are so easily forgotten yet so amazing...

it is several days into the new year. nothing has changed. i think i really believe each year that it might but it does not. i never make resolutions. i think about things that i hope might be different but never laid out in ways or actions that i might take to see that happen.

tonight i sat and drank bottles of wine with a dear friend. i am home now and maude is curled up next to me. she is wondering why the light is still on and i am not focused in our snuggle. if i have any kind of resolution this year then it is probably to get back into this habit. we will see if this happens. it is probably more likely than my thoughts of using the new workout facilities at my job. way more likely.

new years eve was fine. i spent the pre midnight time with some good friends and then some newer but very sweet friends. i have learned not to wait around for the manfriend to pick me up so i had headed to a party in the neighborhood. it was a good thing. it was nearing eleven thirty when he picked me up. we headed to his friends house where i walked in the door and imediately lost any personality i once had. i have realized i have this rare form of shyness that makes me incredibly boring around new people. i cannot think of anything intereseting to say, pose, or ask. i think i make others utterl boring around me as well. at least the manfriend's friends. it was a good night still. somehow. a lot of scotch.

that is enough. relearning how to blog is interesting. i signed up for twitter too. year of the internets i guess......