today is his first birthday in seven years that we will not speak. i texted him. i had to at least tell him happy birthday. i doubt he really cares as much as i do. he didn't get me a birthday present this year which is not why we broke up but in a broader sense is totally WHY we broke up. i almost sent him a present but thought that would be insensitive.
i have been devoid of feeling for a very large part of my life. i talk about them but i don't feel them. i don't like feeling them. and now i am stuck in the mud. stuck in it.

and i desperately need something to change.
i've been thinking about portland lately...
chicago has fucking ruined me. i am livid with this city. it makes me want to puke. and kick things.

i'm still at work waiting for people to finish with their cone of silence.

i really hate my job right now.

cupcake butt.

tonight i drank boxed wine again.

and watched an episode of gossip girl and it made me cry.

then aj came over (she got a job so highfive her)

we tried on our terrycloth jump suits that are the perfect pony halloween costume base.

and we discussed how to make the ribbons into manes and tails.

we drank more boxed wine (sunset blush).

we took quizzes to see which my little pony we are. i am starlet or something. she is scooteroo.

we watched forty minutes of my little pony episodes and the theme song. 

i watched the theme song again after she left.

my my little pony branding will be a puff painted cupcake. duh. 

blogs and boxed wine.

today is not last monday. today i am burnt out, annoyed, and fucking tired. fuck optimism. fuck it.

and i just deleted the rest of this entry because i might have been letting the sparkling blush from a box do the talking...

xoxo. 

 

i have foil in my hair. it will be different soon.

this past winter i cut my hair in my bathroom all alone with the music loud. playing kinda depressing music.

now i am sitting in my friend's house getting my hair done for some new castle beer. the fun thing about being poor is knowing other poor people who have skillz.

holla.

i am having a good day. a day that i am fine with being scrappy and shit. life kinda sucks and is fucking incredible at the exact same time.

i booked a ticket to new york today. i will be poor but i am sure i will have an incredible time.

where the wild things comes out on thursday at midnight. i will be there. with a garcia. in kansas. and all will be beautiful.

shoulda put a ring on it...

i spent last night with a guy that had born to run tattooed on his chest. we made something that was not love to bruce springsteen albums on the record player. 

i think i am in love.

not really but i like that i can say that happened. born to run on his CHEST. 

fall is for adventure. 

spending this time alone i have discovered something...
i think i actually like myself.
why is this such an epic discovery i don't know. but it is or was or whatevs.

the dialogue in my head is always better than with other people...