today is his first birthday in seven years that we will not speak. i texted him. i had to at least tell him happy birthday. i doubt he really cares as much as i do. he didn't get me a birthday present this year which is not why we broke up but in a broader sense is totally WHY we broke up. i almost sent him a present but thought that would be insensitive.
i have been devoid of feeling for a very large part of my life. i talk about them but i don't feel them. i don't like feeling them. and now i am stuck in the mud. stuck in it.

and i desperately need something to change.
i've been thinking about portland lately...
chicago has fucking ruined me. i am livid with this city. it makes me want to puke. and kick things.

i'm still at work waiting for people to finish with their cone of silence.

i really hate my job right now.