i have never felt as loved and as lucky to have such amazingly good friends as i have this weekend. they have watched me crack but have put me back together again. i am pretty much outright totally effing amazed.
my chest feels lighter. mostly.
it will all work out. it will. it will.

there have been a lot of good thanksgiving memories but never one as perfect as this one. 

i almost cried like seven times. in that really good way...

and my pies kicked fucking ass.

it is thanksgiving. i fell asleep and woke up thinking about the order in which i should make my pies and corn casserole. i am still not positive. i am making butterscotch pumpkin and caramelized apple and pecan. last night i reread the articles and almost shit myself. we will see if i pull these off. it will take time though and i am trying to figure out how i can cram all the things i need to do in the smallest amount of time. i think it goes

prep apples and get them in oven

scotch sauce

roll out pies

one pie goes in freezer one goes in oven with dried beans (?)

make corn casserole

make pie fillings

take corn casserole out of oven

put pies in oven

shower

go!

last thanksgiving was the perfect amount of stress and happiness. we have a video that does not show nick making me cry. scotty making steph cry. my coworker doesn't leave early and you can't tell that everyone was just a little awkward because the mix was just a little too large. the video would make me cry if i watched it right now so i wont. 

my wife wasn't there last year. we had dueling thanksgiving and went over there later but it was the start or middle of some awkwardness.

that is done now and i am glad. i will go to her house with my pies and corn casserole later and i will drink my scotch and create more memories.

this starts the holiday season. which i love. there are parts that suck and annoy the fuck out of me but the optimist takes over and i am reminded that we are all trying. as effing hard as we can.

and it is hard to show people we love them. and are thankful. but we are. and maybe someday we will figure it out.

i like brooklyn.

and new york in generals.

i wont live here. i tell people i wont until i can do it right. which means i barely make a living in chicago and trying to scrape by in new york depresses me because it holds so much and i would want to do it all. and buy pretty dresses.

today was good.

i wrote at a coffeeshop. got super lost and never went to rockafeller center. did make it to bryant park. and central park. i got a hot dog on the street. kyle was grossed out. a cupcacke from magnolia. pizza while drunk. played the most intense game of dress up since i was maybe seven. walked in alphabet soup in a super super hella short dress. drank the equivalent of three bottles of wine. and yeah. oops... i am drunk...

oh and i got my eyebrows threaded. it looks hott.

the experiences that have made me who i am. abridged.

missing recess to go to speech therapy twice a week for four years of elementary school

bonfires at horse creek ranch

my scoliosis hunch

shows at new earth coffee

becoming a vegetarian in england

being surrounded by riot gear in dc while sitting in some famous square

debating religion with mrs. lopez

having the door broken down in my first apartment

shutting down lakeshore drive in protest of the iraqi war beginning

having my identity stolen

basement shows at the house of raw sugar

deciding to move to a city i had never visited

san francisco women against rape

thai brunch in berkeley 

pissing in the bathroom at hatties

my sister in the hospital

six months back in kansas city

learning to make a perfect latte

going back to college

there are more. but i have no perspective on the last five years. maybe when i am thirty i will understand what is happening to me right now. everything above fits like puzzle pieces in my head. they make sense but they didn't at the time.

that means there is hope! there is hope for the future.

i wish i had money to give you, human rights watch

nothing like going to a benefit where people are being recognized for doing work that their colleagues have been killed doing to give you some life perspective.

the world is an awful place and people do awful things.

it is hard enough to recognize and support the people closest to us but what about the people who risk their lives so that others can have basic human rights?

i am in total awe.

and i had a fantastic dinner at the ritz carlton for free.

i think i am going to be very busy soon. i think i will be combining theatre and social justice. which is what i came to chicago the first and second time to do.

save the drama for your llama. some shit is just more important.

booyeah.

if i didn't have my kitties. i would not be able to breath. or live. or anything.

it is so odd how something that cannot talk can provide so much comfort and peace. 

text message sent to me today: you're a mess

my reply: completely

there it is friends. there it is.